Finding the ever-elusive energy fix

Back in the summer of 1965, an assistant football coach at the University of Florida sought out the help of university physicians to determine why his players were being affected so badly by the heat. After hitting the laboratory, researchers concocted the formula for a beverage that balanced the carbohydrates and electrolytes lost through strenuous exercise, and "Gatorade" was born.

In the years since, sports nutrition has grown into a multibillion-dollar industry, as athletes strive to find that winning edge that helps them optimize each training session and on-field performance. The line between athletics and the everyday world has also been erased, as 9-to-5'ers also seek the ultimate answer to boosting energy and workplace performance.

While many of the products on the market have been shown to provide legal enhancement to training sessions and minimize recuperation time, I am here to say that the endless pursuit of perfection may have finally reached its peak.

I'm talking about jelly beans.

The Jelly Belly company is now marketing what it calls "Sports Beans Energizing Jelly Beans. The wonder candy even has its own website, Sportsbeans.com, where the sweets-deprived athlete can learn about the jelly beans that are "formulated to help you blast through any athletic endeavor" and "are clinically proven to maximize sports performance."

Jocks with discerning palates can choose from flavors that include berry, fruit punch, lemon lime, orange, an assorted mix, or extreme watermelon or extreme cherry, I guess for when that plain old watermelon or cherry just isn't getting the job done.

I don't know about you, but when I'm loading up on jelly beans, athletic performance is the farthest thing from my mind, except for the endless number of crunches I would have to do to combat the lasting effects.

Just think of the possible ramifications.

Little Suzy or Timmy springs from his or her slumber Easter morning and darts through the house to find their hidden Easter baskets. Mom and dad, after a late night of last-minute Easter shopping and half-asleep basket stuffing, are attempting to sleep in.

The child finds the basket with all the pretty colored jelly beans, and dives in with the type of wild abandon only possible for the young.

And you thought they got hopped up on the regular jelly beans - imagine what they can do with sweets aimed at optimal energy and performance.

While I can tell you that I will never personally buy any jelly beans in the hopes of finding endless energy, you are invited to try them if you want. I know that the day a company introduces Oreos that can help me type faster and work harder, I'm all over it.

Contact Craig Purcell at 824-1036 or cpurcell@tcnpress.com.